Snape Learns a Lesson
by Crack Monkeys
Summary: Sequel to "The Weasleys Learn a Lesson." Still not safe at Hogwarts because of you you and more specifically you.


Disclaimers: All characters belong to J. K. Rowling. Flamers will be locked in the dungeon with a vengeance-crazed Snape. 

Additional Notes: This is a work of satire. Anyone who feels they have been personally insulted by this: Don't worry, it wasn't personal. The Crack Monkey dislikes gratuitous porn that is that drastically out of character.

"I think this Draco and Snape idea is the best one we've got," George said.

They had given up on even attempting the potions as soon as Snape had left and had moved straight to revenge.

"Yeah!" Fred said enthusiastically. "What could be better? Two of the slimiest, most disgusting people for a slimy, disgusting story!"

George chuckled. "I guess we should look at the rest of this filth for ideas..."

"Ick", said his brother. "I'd almost rather do the potions."

"Almost, but think of the look on Snape's face when we had him a fan fiction with him and Draco instead of the answers to the potions," George chuckled a bit maniacally.

Fred looked nervous. "I dunno, George. Do we really want to chance it? I mean, he looked pretty serious. We were lucky to escape with our...erm... skins."

"Come on, Fred," George said frowning. "It'll be funny. Besides, this is boring. No matter what, I'm not going to do the potions work and let old Snape win."

"I suppose you're right..." Fred said reluctantly. "But you're first if he turns out to be serious!"

George shuddered. "Come on. Snape's not that much of a ponce. Besides, he'd have to catch us first."

"Oh, all right, George. You've got me. What should we say? Oh, I know! "As Snape began to remove his robe...."

George shuddered. "Now you make me feel dirty." He jotted it down nonetheless.

"You mean you didn't already feel absolutely wretched after that?", his twin said, nodding towards the door.

"Well, course I did. But not dirty. I probably would have felt dirty of Snape had......,"He trailed off turning a bit green. "Nevermind."

"After we're done with this one, we should do one involving ickle Ronniekins and his lady-love" Fred clasped his hands under his chin and sighed "The Fair Hermione!"

George chuckled. "Nah, Harry and Hermione. Ooooo or Neville and Ron." His eyes glittered with mischievous cruelty.

"Oh, you're right for once, darling brother. This is fiction. Ron's thing for Hermione is distressingly real. But Neville and Ron?! I'd not thought even YOU were that depraved! I love it!"

:

"Eh, he's little git still, can't be helped. That's it! I got it! Ron, Hermione, and Harry." George dissolved into demonic laughter at the idea.

Fred clapped his brother on the back. "You're beautiful, George! Bloody brilliant!" he cried as he dissolved into helpless laughter.

"I do what I can," George said proudly before following suit.

Although Harry and his friends disliked the dungeons and avoided them (and Snape) as much as possible, that day they were forced to pass through them on their way to dinner as a result of the shifting staircases. 

"What's that?" wondered Hermione "Laughter in the dungeons?"

Harry stopped, staring at the door to Snape's dungeon as though it had grown several heads and started singing the Hallelujah chorus. It might have startled him less if it had, than the noises coming out of the door that he was walking past. "No one laughs in the dungeons. Not even the Slytherins, unless they're laughing at us. And we're not in there."

Ron wrinkled his nose. "I doubt it's Snape. Snape would never be that happy about anything." 

Except maybe Harry dying, but he kept that to himself.

"Let's see about this" Hermione said, trying the door. "Drat! It's locked!"

"Maybe Snape drank one of his own potions?" Harry said dubiously, "Hermione, I'm not sure you should be doing that. Especially if that is Snape..."

"Try a spell, Hermione," Ron said a bit mockingly. "How could it be Harry? Snape would soon let You-Know-Who eat his brains than laugh."

Hermione had already pulled out her wand and was casting an opening spell. The door swung wide.

George looked up and chuckled with relief. "It opened!!!!!"

Fred, catching sight of Hermione, cried "Ah, Miss Granger, you've saved us!"fell upon his knees and cried 

Harry looked from one twin to the other, eyes wide. "What are YOU doing here?"

Ron rolled his eyes. Nothing his brothers did surprised him too much. He wondered what they had done this time.

"Well it was Snape..." Began Fred

"And he was going to....errr....best we don't say. There's an innocent lady present." George added.

Harry blinked even more now. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Then what was so funny?" demanded Hermione

Ron cocked his head and glanced at the parchments lying on the floor besides the twins and picked one up. he flung it aside although it had burnt him. "That's disgusting!" 

Now Harry was curious, and he picked it up against his better judgment. He got about as far as Snape bending someone over a desk before he, too, tossed it aside and began to dry-wash his hands furiously. "GYAAAGH!"

George chuckled giddily. He hid the rough start of the Hermione and Harry one behind his back and moved towards the door.

"Honestly, boys what could be so horrible? Is it a magical dirt spell?" asked Hermione, reaching for the parchments.

"Now see here young miss," George said stopping her with his free hand. "Don't look at those."

"Why ever not?" she demanded haughtily

Harry glanced at George and, with a speed born from Quidditch, snatched the papers from his hand while he was stopping Hermione "Okay, I've glanced at it once, this one can't be as bad as... WHAT?"

George sighed and looked over at Fred and cocked his head towards the open door and gave him a questioning look.

Fred bolted.

Unfortunately for Fred, Snape was walking in to check on them at the exact same moment.

George sighed and ran after his twin knocking him into Snape. 

"Oof....errrr...sorry....errr....uh-oh."

Snape arched his eyebrows and gave the twins a decidedly chilly look before glancing around the room and catching sight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "What do we have here... a tutorial?"

"Terrible really. Children these days. You teach them a lesson for us," George said attempting to maneuver his way around Snape.

"Uh, hello, professor." Fred said as jauntily as he could manage. "Fine evening for a wa---some studying... studying...."

Snape, however, was not to be maneuvered around. He deftly picked up George by the collar and turned him around so that he was facing back towards the inside of the dungeons. George yelped and breathed a sigh a relief when he was only turned around. 

"I don't recall giving you two permission to seek help on this assignment," he sneered, then added under his breath. "Though given the nature of the things you were reading, help may be exactly what you two need."

Ron regarded them all in confusion. He sighed looking over at the potions and such and deciding to amuse himself by having a look.

"Weasley!" Snape barked. 

"But, sir, It's Muggle literature. The finest." said Fred rather unconvincingly

Snape glared at Fred, unconvinced.

"We want our little brother to experience Muggle culture!"

"Of course." Sarcasm dripped from his lips and seared the air around them worse than the smell from the potion master's concoctions. "And what is it you have in your hands, Potter?" 

George slowly began to try to pry Snape's fingers from his collar...or slip out of his robe while Snape's attention was elsewhere.

Snape let go of George abruptly and with enough force to send him flying back into the room.

George sighed wearily landing in a heap. "Ouch....."

Ron mumbled under his breath.

Fred waited until his brother was free to try the same maneuver and Snape barred the second twin's way as easily as he had the first.

Harry edged back from Snape, holding out the parchments with a slightly trembling hand. "Uh...." 

Snape snatched them with a thoroughly disgusted glare, anticipating the worst.

"I thought you were going to give us potions to ease pain Professor, not cause it" Fred said as he landed atop his twin.

George groaned and pushed Fred off his back. He went to hide under the table closest to them moving in a slow worm-like crawl.

Snape arched a cool eyebrow at him as he read what Harry had snatched. Then his mouth began to work in a strange, twisting manner as his eyes widened. Slowly, as though unaccustomed to the movement, it stretched into a smile. 

The smile became a more Snape-like smirk, but it remained on his face.

Ow! George! What'd you do that for? You made a nice pillow!" whined Fred.

George stayed under the table eyeing Snape warily and not answering his twin.

"Someone else's journal entries, perhaps, Potter?" Snape said in a too-calm, too silky voice. "Or perhaps you, Miss Granger, are the one nursing an unrequited passion?"

Hermione turned red as Ron's hair.

Ron shook his head miserably wondering if he'd be as moronic as his brothers when he grew up. He hoped not.

George snickered softly. He hoped Snape didn't find the one about him and Draco....bloody hell. He began looking around the area near the table where he was hiding.

Snape whipped out his wand, clearly tiring of all this skittering about, and pointed it at the general direction of the table. "Accio parchments."

Fred used this opportunity to escape down the corridor as papers and parchments from all over the area flew into Snape's waiting hand.

George latched onto one of them breathing a soft sigh of relief....He had the Draco one at least.

Snape glanced over the parchments, blinked, and stared harder at them, to the point where if looks could have killed the papers would be cinders. 

"Potter..." he said in his most silky voice. "I don't know how, but this is somehow all your fault. 

"WEASLEY!" He roared as George started to creep out of the room after his twin. "Stop. Right. There."

George froze. "Ummm...sir?" He said feigning nonchalance, but his teeth were slightly chattering.

Ron sighed. He was getting hungry and this was boring.

Harry gulped, not quite sure what was his fault this time but certain that it wasn't pleasent.

Hermione raised her hand. "But, Sir, this can't be Harry's fault! He was with me! We were just on our way to dinner!"

"Are you contradicting me, Miss Granger?" he eyed her like a hawk might eye a rabbit for dinner. 

Ron's stomach growled.

Hermione gulped "Er... yes, sir."

"You see, it's not fair. If Harry was with Ron and me, then he can't be responsible "for whatever Fred and George were up to."

"Bloody hell, Hermione," George said with a scowl. "What are you dense? Don't argue he's scary."

"I know, George!" Hermione hissed back, "But it's not fair for Harry to take the blame for your stupidity!"

George hid the parchment in his sweater vest, waited to be allowed to leave and stuck his tongue out at Hermione.

Snape glowered at the both of them, then at the parchments he held, obviously torn. On the one hand, he clearly wanted nothing more than to march them all up to the Headmaster's office and run them in for defamation of character.

On the other hand, that would mean showing someone else what had been written about him... and he really didn't want to do that.

Hermione glowered at George as if he were Draco.

"Shut up, Weasley," Snape said almost absent-mindedly. He appeared to come to a conclusion. "This is what is going to happen." 

Harry swallowed again, not liking this one bit. 

"Harry, Ron and I did nothing!" Hermione said, drawing herself up indignantly. "We should be allowed to continue on to dinner!"

George looked for a chance to leave discreetly. Maybe Snape would forget about him if Hermione kept prattling. Besides, Snape hadn't seen the one about him and Draco yet....

You were found," Snape said quietly, "With parchments in hand. You, Potter, and the Weasleys, will all have ten points each from Gryffindor. And you will spend a detention in the library helping to catalogue the history and economics sections. That should teach you some measure of respect for the literary arts."

Snape's sneer belied the whole concept of respect for anything, but the point, it was clear, was to give them an extremely boring punishment, not instill respect for anything.

George sighed heavily and smirked...he could still get his revenge though.

"Nice going, George!" Hermione hissed as Snape stalked away. "Now I'll never have enough time to study for the OWLs!"

"Oh well," George said smirking and pulling the parchment from his sweater. "Still got this so tonight's not been a total loss." He ran off down the hall to find Fred.

Harry just sighed and sank down to the floor, leaning against a wall. "Only ten points," he muttered. "Snape must be in a good mood, for once."

"Why am I in trouble?" Ron asked confused, "This stinks. I'm going to go eat dinner."

Hermione walked over and offered Harry a hand to help him up. "C'mon."

"Yeah," Harry said suddenly. "What did we get in trouble for?" He took Hermione's hand with a grateful look and slowly regained the ability to walk again. "What are Fred and George up to now?"

"You guys, let's go to dinner. We've got to teach those brothers of yours a lesson." she said with an evil glint in her eye looking at Ron..

Ron rolled his eyes. "Dry up, Hermione."

"Herm," Harry commented, glancing at Hermione, "Sometimes you're downright scary, you know that?"

Hermione grinned evilly, "I know." she replied.


End file.
